If It Hurts So Much, Why Do I Keep Doing It?

A self-help psychology book by William W. Snow, MSW, Licensed Clinical Social Worker
© 2012 William W. Snow / Wynter Snow; all rights reserved.

When we become “stuck” in bad feelings like anger, depression or anxiety, these feelings often interfere with getting what we want in life—and can last for extended periods. This book aims to help people understand how bad feelings arise and discover alternative ways of dealing with the troubling events that trigger them.

These observations, insights and concepts are based on tens of thousands of hours listening to people talk about the things that trouble them. My ideas differ from what seems to be “obvious” to most people. Yet they have helped many of my clients free themselves from chronic bad feelings and have satisfying and productive lives.

Excerpt:

When we respond to the circumstances of the moment by feeling bad, the bad feelings are almost invariably accompanied by an assumption that the feeling is valid, that it is legitimate. And this is usually true. But we tend to take it an unfortunate step further: We also believe our response is the only authentic way to respond. And, since that response seems the only valid and legitimate way to feel, we are confident it is therefore both intrinsic and appropriate.

To make matters worse, whenever those feelings are in response to situations we can’t change, we find ourselves stuck.

Most people believe their emotions, whether good or bad, are spontaneous. Because emotions arise so quickly, so automatically and so naturally, they seem both inevitable and uniquely appropriate to the situation. The fact that emotions feel so natural makes them seem to be inescapable consequences of the circumstances that give rise to them. That’s why we assume that emotions are intrinsic to the events that trigger them.

In addition, we know people who, given similar circumstances, have emotional responses very much like ours. (As a result, we often feel a kind of kinship with those individuals.) The fact that others often exhibit feelings similar to our own seems to confirm the idea that our emotions are natural and automatic and that they are precisely appropriate to the events that arouse them.

However, if feelings were intrinsic to the events, everyone would have the same emotional response. But do all people react to a specific stimulus in exactly the same way? No, they don’t.

Think about some moment in your life when you were, say, angry. (Someone cutting in front of you in a check-out line, for example, or cutting you off in traffic. Or when you agreed to meet someone for lunch at a restaurant, and they never showed, never called to explain or apologize.) While many people do become angry in such circumstances, that is not true of everyone.

Circumstances that make you angry may evoke some other reaction in someone else: anxiety, say, or depression—even guilt. Yet another person may simply be interested in why it happened. And another person, believe it or not, may even be amused.

When you become angry, then encounter someone with a non-angry response to the same situation, that person will very likely seem odd, even puzzling, to you. Their non-angry response seems peculiar because you believe the situation causes your feelings. The seemingly spontaneous nature of your emotional reaction leads you to assume there is some direct connection between the event and your specific anger.

One more element seems to support the belief that the triggering event causes the response. It is this: The two occur together. Repeatedly. So, on the face of it, it does seem that the irritating event causes the response. However . . .

A False Belief

If a person’s responses were actually intrinsic to the situation, everyone would respond in the same way. Yet they don’t. (You may feel that they should. But they don’t.) Since they don’t, it is clear that something else is going on.

What is this something else? How does it influence our emotions? And, at a deeper level, what effect does it have on our relationships? And how does it impact our sense of self?

This book looks into the nature of this something else. In the process—

It explores . . .

• How people generate their feelings.
• Why they generate them.
• What those feelings do for them.
• How to stop being lured into having feelings that prove troubling.

It examines . . .

• How we interact with other people.
• Why difficulties, disputes and disagreements between people are common.
• What we can do to make things better.

It investigates . . .

• The source of one’s self image.
• How we establish our sense of self worth.
• What we can do to improve our sense of who we are.

Furthermore . . .

• You’ll discover a way to transform your emotional life, so that bad feelings seldom or never occur and good feelings predominate.
• You’ll learn how to engage with other people in a way that results in constructive interaction and promotes productive endeavors.
• You’ll find it offers a different—and very effective—way of establishing and sustaining self respect and self confidence.
• You’ll also gain understanding regarding some very puzzling questions . . .

At the time the following questions occurred to me, I saw no ready answers. So I tried to ignore them, but I found it impossible to do so. In the end, they taught me a great deal about human behavior. Much of this book is about what I discovered—and how those discoveries can benefit you. Here are these questions.

1. Why do some people stay “stuck,” even after years of therapy?

Some people engage in behavior that is ineffective, often inappropriate, and frequently leads to bad feelings. Moreover, they persist in such responses, with the result that bad feelings become chronic and dominate their lives. They are indeed “stuck.” For many of them, therapy fails to relieve their distress. Which raises a practical question: How can they change whatever it is that keeps them mired in such behaviors and feelings?

2. Why are a person’s bad feelings so selective and so persistent?

Why does a “hot-head” become angry over and over, while another is prone to moodiness? Why are “nervous Nellies” disposed to anxiety, tending to feel uneasy in a wide variety of situations? Why do still others experience guilt repeatedly? Why, in a universe that is vast, complex and challenging, do some people suffer from recurrent bouts of boredom? In sum, why does an individual repeatedly experience one particular “favorite” troubling emotion?

(For that matter, why do some people consistently feel good? Why are they almost always cheerful, no matter what is happening to them? And why are some people nearly always calm and collected, even during crises?)

Some people find that anger arises easily and often—like one of those pop-up toys—even though the anger may be causing serious problems. They feel anger under the exact same circumstances that may lead to anxiety in another person, depression in a third. Why?

3. Why is the behavior of an individual so consistent?

We often think or say, “that’s typical,” about the behavior of someone we know. Even when faced with a new and different situation, an individual will behave in a manner that is distinctly characteristic of that person—which means something within each person nudges them toward behavior that feels “valid” to them and makes them reject other options as “inappropriate.” What is that force?

4. Why do so many people develop unrealistic expectations?

And hold onto them in spite of clear evidence that the expectations are unreliable?

People often expect things that are not realistic, then feel disappointed and frustrated when what they expect doesn’t happen. Sometimes the sense of expectation goes so far as to become a feeling of entitlement. When that occurs, the disappointment may feel like an abject betrayal. Even after encountering repeated evidence that an expectation is not being met, many individuals continue to hold onto it. Why? Why doesn’t such evidence persuade them to revise or drop such expectations?

In short, this book is about what I have found to be characteristic of human behavior and how those insights can benefit you.